習作評析（3）

　　　　習作題目：

　　　　根據下列內容寫一篇描寫Jenny的短文。

　　　　Jenny是我們班個子最高的女生。她的眼睛大而明亮，頭發像黑色的波浪，鼻子高高的，牙齒雪白。我們選她為班長，并不是因為她是個美麗的姑娘，而是因為她學習好，樂于助人，很有禮貌，并且從不與別人爭吵。在運動場上，她奔跑起來卻像個男生。

　　　　詞數：100左右。

　　　　參考詞匯：qualities素質，quarrel爭吵，naughty調皮的

　　　　學生原文

　　　　Those who study with Jenny in the same class will remember her as an excellent girl. She is the tallest girl in our class. Her eyes are big （1）。 Her hair makes you think of black sea（2）。 She has a high nose and her white teeth are as snow （3）。 We made her our monitor not only for her fine looks， but also（4）for her good qualities. So （5）she is good at her lessons and ready to help others. She never quarrels with everyone （6） about small things.

　　　　She is good-mannered. But sometimes （7）she is exactly like a naughty boy. How can one forget her if he or she has been with her for quite some time？

　　　　習作點評：

　　　　（1）要點遺漏，應是大而亮。

　　　　（2）此處用詞不當，應改為waves.

　　　　（3）改為Her teeth are as white as snow. as as 像一樣。

　　　　（4）連詞錯誤，用not only but also與寫作要求不符。

　　　　（5）上下文無因果關系，So是多余的。

　　　　（6）語法錯誤，句中的never表示否定，此處用anyone更貼切。

　　　　（7）表達不具體，讀后覺得與前文不符，加上地點狀語On the sports ground后，才能表示出她的活潑向上的性格。

　　　　本篇習作語言流暢，句型使用熟練且富于變化。特別是作者注意到了短文的首尾呼應，使短文連貫、完整。在習作中如果能注意推敲文中詞句，短文會更加完美。

　　　　精品范文：

　　　　Those who study with Jenny in the same class will remember her as an excellent girl. She is the tallest girl in our class. Her eyes are big and bright. She has a high nose and her teeth are as white as snow. We made her our monitor not for her fine looks， but for her good qualities. She is good at her lessons and ready to help others. She never quarrels with anyone about small things.

　　　　She is good－mannered. But on the playground she is like a naughty boy. How can one forget her if he or she has been with her for quite some time？

　　習作評析（3）

　　　　習作題目：

　　　　根據下列內容寫一篇描寫Jenny的短文。

　　　　Jenny是我們班個子最高的女生。她的眼睛大而明亮，頭發像黑色的波浪，鼻子高高的，牙齒雪白。我們選她為班長，并不是因為她是個美麗的姑娘，而是因為她學習好，樂于助人，很有禮貌，并且從不與別人爭吵。在運動場上，她奔跑起來卻像個男生。

　　　　詞數：100左右。

　　　　參考詞匯：qualities素質，quarrel爭吵，naughty調皮的

　　　　學生原文

　　　　Those who study with Jenny in the same class will remember her as an excellent girl. She is the tallest girl in our class. Her eyes are big （1）。 Her hair makes you think of black sea（2）。 She has a high nose and her white teeth are as snow （3）。 We made her our monitor not only for her fine looks， but also（4）for her good qualities. So （5）she is good at her lessons and ready to help others. She never quarrels with everyone （6） about small things.

　　　　She is good-mannered. But sometimes （7）she is exactly like a naughty boy. How can one forget her if he or she has been with her for quite some time？

　　　　習作點評：

　　　　（1）要點遺漏，應是大而亮。

　　　　（2）此處用詞不當，應改為waves.

　　　　（3）改為Her teeth are as white as snow. as as 像一樣。

　　　　（4）連詞錯誤，用not only but also與寫作要求不符。

　　　　（5）上下文無因果關系，So是多余的。

　　　　（6）語法錯誤，句中的never表示否定，此處用anyone更貼切。

　　　　（7）表達不具體，讀后覺得與前文不符，加上地點狀語On the sports ground后，才能表示出她的活潑向上的性格。

　　　　本篇習作語言流暢，句型使用熟練且富于變化。特別是作者注意到了短文的首尾呼應，使短文連貫、完整。在習作中如果能注意推敲文中詞句，短文會更加完美。

　　　　精品范文：

　　　　Those who study with Jenny in the same class will remember her as an excellent girl. She is the tallest girl in our class. Her eyes are big and bright. She has a high nose and her teeth are as white as snow. We made her our monitor not for her fine looks， but for her good qualities. She is good at her lessons and ready to help others. She never quarrels with anyone about small things.

　　　　She is good－mannered. But on the playground she is like a naughty boy. How can one forget her if he or she has been with her for quite some time？